


In the Name of Love

by sendosenpai



Series: Twilight Crack [2]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst and Humor, Assassination Attempt(s), Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/M, First Love, Fluff and Humor, Humor, One Shot, Romance, Sexual Humor, Teen Romance, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25677601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sendosenpai/pseuds/sendosenpai
Summary: He was sent to kill her.But he fell in love instead.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Series: Twilight Crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937887
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	In the Name of Love

Bella looked out of her window as she often liked to do. She had once stared out of the window for four whole months. People had been concerned about her, but she didn’t see anything wrong with it. What else was there to do after all??

When she had looked out of the window for a sufficient amount of time for the day (69 minutes), she pulled out the book she was supposed to be analysing for English. It was ‘Dracula’. Her least favourite book. Vampires were, like, soooo lame. She preferred werewolf lore personally. As she opened her textbook, she saw her scribbles all over it - ‘Mr and Mrs Edward Cullen’ with hearts, drawings (most of which were pornographic), and little rhymes dedicated only to him. She thought of the sexy Edward and smiled to herself. He was so beautiful - pale, with intense eyes and copper hair. Most importantly his abs were ROCK-HARD ~~(hard like his dick)~~. His abs made all the girls swoon, there was a whole fanclub and website dedicated to celebrating the abs of that sexy, sexy man.

He didn’t talk to her much, but she could SENSE that he was into her. It was in the way he stared. His smouldering gaze never left her body, sending palpitations down her very being. No matter where she went or what she did, he was watching her - always watching. His eyes never left her face even when she looked back. Many a time, she had made eye contact with him as a no-blinking challenge, but he never backed down. Bella kept a mental win-loss count. The results right now were 365-0, Edward winning. Most people would find this behaviour creepy, but she knew it was flirting. She flirted back with hair flips, winks, and slut drops at his feet. For some reason though, his face always convoluted into a mask of hatred, as if just her presence was somehow offensive to him (Once, in Biology, she had stood in front of a fan, and as the cool breeze blew behind her, Edward’s cool eyes settled on her face. He looked disgusted, his fists were clenched, his body leaned away, like he’d smelt a turd. This was especially confusing because Bella was meticulous in wiping and washing her ass so she knew she had no shit-stains).

Recently however, he was…different. Softer somehow. Their stolen glances in hallways now had an intimacy to them that sent chills down her spine. They’d started to exchange nods of acknowledgement as he passed by. The first time this happened, Bella was so shocked she did a whole spit-take of coffee all over Jessica (“WAAAAAAA-” both girls said simultaneously). This had then developed into small smiles. The way his full lips curved slightly -but not too much- with a crooked imperfection that was somehow ultimately perfect, made Bella’s insides melt like smarties in the microwave. She licked her lips thinking about it, electricity coursing through her veins, her heartbeat so rapid it could have been tachycardia. Unable to bear it anymore, she reached for a vibrator to relieve herself, consumed by her thoughts of Edward.

-

The next day at school, she knew what she had to do. She held a letter in her hand, a folded piece of paper weighed down by her every thought and feeling. She knew if she didn’t give it now, she never would, and her chance at a real, storybook romance would slip away faster than one slipped on a banana peel in Mario Kart. There was no room for hesitation. With a deep breath she slipped it into his locker. The only thing left to do now was wait.

-

Filled with nervous energy, Bella waited by her truck at home time. Now was the moment of truth. She only hoped her heart could handle it. If Edward rejected her now, she might collapse in the forest and lay there for ages until someone carried her home, then stare out of the window for months all while doing cringy things to see hallucinations of him. She knew, for herself, there was no life without Edward. How could there be when he was EVERYTHING???

“Hey Bella, what’s up?” It was her friend Jacob on his motorbike.

“Hey,” Bella flirtatiously batted her eyelashes at him. If Edward didn’t work out, this guy was always a good backup option. He was a sexy man himself, and he had the tendency to not wear shirts which she liked very much. Unfortunately however, she wasn’t too sure she’d be his type. He seemed to prefer new-born babies that he could groom to his needs, rather than grown women. Most would find this paedophilic behaviour problematic enough for him to be behind bars, but Bella knew he was a GOOD PERSON. After all, he once forcibly kissed her, and another time manipulated her into kissing him – playful boi!

“What’chu doing?” said Jacob, his eyes following a woman with a pushchair, trying to peer at the infant inside it.

“Nothing much,” said Bella. She was about to elaborate when suddenly a man with the power of 100 men rammed into her. Together they collided into the ground, his arms tightly wound around her body, protecting her from the force of the crash. She struggled against him, trying to get her bearings, when she recognised the body pressed against hers. Abs like these…? She’d imagined him on top of her enough times to know exactly who this was.

“Edward?” she groggily tried to get up, “what happened? What’s going on?”

“It’s hard to explain,” he looked away from her, his brows furrowed, his eyes as intense as ever, pure, unadulterated angst oozing from him in waves. It was all very dramatic.

She slowly turned around to see a horrific sight of Jacob screaming and flailing, holding his chest. His whole body was covered with his own blood. He was squirming in anguish, shrieking at the top of his lungs.

“He’s been shot,” explained Edward flatly. “that bullet was aimed for you, but- but- I couldn’t let you be the one that died. Even imagining it… no I couldn’t let that happen to you. Not you.” He glanced at her for a moment before looking away again, his expression thoughtful yet tortured.

“So you knew a bullet was coming my way, and you saved me so it would hit Jacob instead?” her voice was soft, “That’s so…”

Edward’s eyes finally locked onto hers.

“Romantic,” she sighed happily, wishing Jacob would stop his irritating screaming (what a prick he was to ruin a moment like this) so she could more fully enjoy the bliss of being in love.

-

They were sitting in Bella’s room, him on her desk-chair, her on the bed. You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife. Bella played with her hair and moistened her lips seductively, but Edward seemed too lost in thought to pick up on the signs.

Finally, he spoke, “I bet you’re wondering what happened today,”

She wasn’t really, but she nodded like she was.

“You see, Bella,” he spoke her name with a reverence a devote priest may have for their Lord, or a child may have for ketchup,

“I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. I was sent here, to this small town, with just one mission – and that mission was to kill you. I’m a trained assassin, with many – um – ‘special’ skills, and I was sent to end your life. To me, in the beginning, you were just another target. As a hitman, you tend not to humanize your victims. You’re the prey and I your predator. Your death would just be another part of the Circle of Life. But then,” his hard voice took a gentler tone,

“part of the role of a predator is the stalking before the kill. I stalked you for weeks as part of my process. I followed you at school, but also outside of it - I wore a Mitre hat so you’d never recognise me. When you were home, I’d sit on that tree opposite your window and watch you with binoculars. I found myself fascinated by everything you did. You read teen fiction like ‘Hush Hush’, watched Teen Wolf, stared out of your window almost as if you could see me there. I found myself more and more intrigued. When you read ‘Night of the Iguana’ I wondered if I should read it as well just to talk to you about it. But I dismissed that thought as quickly as it came. I wasn’t here to make friends, just to murder,” he took a deep breath to collect his thoughts before continuing,

“And I watched you sleep. Every night. That was the bit I climbed into your room for. You drooled, kicked, had your mouth wide open, and snored. It was all very sexy. But then… you started talking in your sleep too. And you said my name,” his eyes now sparkled with newfound emotion,

“I’d never felt the way I did when you said my name. Over and over again, as you moaned. It made my undead body feel alive for the first time in a century. I found myself unable to stay away. As I watched, you moaned my name during the day too, as you pleasured yourself. I wished I could pleasure you like that. And then today, I was meant to kill you. But I found your note in my locker. The poem you’d written for me was so eloquent, so beautiful, I could have sworn I felt my still heart beat again for the first time in a hundred years. Your words conveyed what I’d longed to hear- that you wanted me too. I was… giddy almost. But then, I remembered my purpose in being here. I couldn’t let myself lose sight of my mission; be at the mercy of human emotions I should be exempt from. So, I braced myself and shot the bullet, but as it moved towards you, all I could think was ‘not her’. Using my inhuman speed, I found myself rushing to save you, accidentally pushing that boy Jacob into in its trajectory. I – I- am sorry I tried to kill you, but at least it made me realise… I love you.”

Bella listened to this confession with wide eyes, her mouth hung open. He’d wanted to kill her? He watched her from a tree? He was in her bedroom at night? Watching, always watching? He may have killed Jacob? And most importantly… he loved her back!!! This was exactly the fairy-tale romance she’d dreamed of.

“Oh Edward!” she cried, throwing her arms around him.

He stayed frozen for a while, eyes wide, before suddenly grabbing her and pulling her tight. “Senpai noticed me,” he murmured to himself in wonder.

“I noticed you as soon as I saw you. There was never anyone else. Only you. A little bit Jacob, but mostly you,” her tone was sultry, sending shivers down his spine. He leaned in to kiss her, but she pressed a finger against his lips.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” she whispered, hot breath on his ear before sexily sliding away from her mans. She knew you should always leave a man wanting more.

Edward looked away. He knew what she was going to the bathroom for, and goddammit he was going to control himself. He’d managed to keep it a secret uptil now, he couldn’t ruin this. She wasn’t ready for his biggest secret. No one could be ready for that. He tried to ignore his primal instincts, but you can only fight biology for so long. When she came back, he looked up in anguish before sweeping out of her room, his feet carrying him as his brain protested, into the bathroom. All control lost, he pounced on the bathroom bin, pulling out the used pad, sucking out the glorious blood he so thirsted for. Bella, who had followed him out of an avid curiosity, stared open-mouthed at the scene before her. The window was open, sunlight hitting Edward’s beautiful, angular face as he bore down on the pad. In the sunlight his skin was… sparkling… like glittery nail polish. She wished to lick it.

“You’re – you’re a-,” she gasped, overwhelmed by his ~~booty~~ beauty.

“Say it,” he growled.

“You’re a glitter lava lamp,” she gasped.

“No, I’m a-” he sighed dramatically, “VAMPIRE!” he dramatically turned away, holding his face in his sparkly, sparkly hands. Twas all so dramatic.

“I see,” said Bella gently. She looked at the disco-ball man whose teeth had been sunk in her used pad only moments ago. She had never seen anything hotter, she realised.

“Do you… hate me?” hands still on his face, he peered at her through his fingers.

“Edward you’re so hot

Edward you’re divine

Edward I’ll suck your cock

Edward please be mine,” she recited passionately.

Edward slowly lowered his hands from his face. This was the beautiful poem from the letter!

“I wrote those words for you, and I meant them with every fibre of my being. Nothing could ever change that,” she murmured, her voice raw with emotion, “so what if you’re a vampire? I’d suck your cock whether you’re alive or undead!”

The lyrical complexity and genius of her poem had moved him almost to tears when he had first read it. But now, hearing it straight from her lips, this was something else entirely. Overwhelmed with love, lust, and adoration, he tossed the pad aside and pulled in his womans for a tight, bone-shattering embrace.

-

That night, Edward offered to go back to his tree and watch using his handy binoculars, but Bella pointed out if he would come in to watch her sleep anyway, he might as well just stay.

“Besides, there’s some stuff I want to do with you,” her voice held a note of lewdness to it.

Edward blushed, understanding her naughty intentions.

“But we’re not married,” he gasped, “What about my honour? My virtue? I’d be ruining myself!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t kiss and tell,” she winked at the 117-year-old virgin with both eyes, “besides you’ve watched me have my wet dreams, now help me make them come true.”

“Well… It is legal,” conceded Edward thoughtfully, “I checked and since you’re over sixteen, I can have sex with you despite our hundred-year age difference.”

“Perfect! It ain’t paedophilia if it’s legal. Now,” Bella sexily puffed out her chest to show him dem titties. Edward looked at dem titties. It was all very titillating, “Ready?”

Edward blushed, “Please be gentle, it’s my first time.”

-

After a week of romantic bliss, where they’d even had the sex one whole time (!!!), they lay together in a meadow. Edward glistened beautifully and Bella watched him shine. He was her one light in this godforsaken world. She may have had loving parents, popularity, financial security, and all the kinds of privilege, but she’d, like, been single til now sooo she’d had a hard life and it made complete sense her boyfriend was the only thing worth living for.

Suddenly, Edward shot straight up, eyes as wide as frisbees.

“Something wrong?” asked Bella confused. She had been hoping to have the sex a second time hehe, and she didn’t want anything to ruin the mood.

“Bella RUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!” he shouted, jumping up, getting into a battle position, similar to Crane’s from Kung Fu Panda.

Bella just stood there with her mouth slightly open.

“RUUUUUUUNNNNN” he cried again.

She still stood there. A bit of drool came out of the corner of her mouth.

“RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN,” with this mighty roar, eagles swooped in and around him, the ground trembled, and even the boulders and trees vibrated.

‘Maybe I should run’ she thought to herself.

But alas she was too late!!

A masked figure jumped out from the trees, a stake in hand.

“Darth Vader?” gasped Bella. Scarrry.

“My client,” Edward explained, his already pale face even whiter.

“You’ve disappointed me, Cullen,” it was a woman’s voice behind the mask, “I specifically ask you to kill this girl and all you killed for me was a cradle-robbing werewolf.”

“I could never kill her!” hollered Edward, “for I’m in love.”

“If you don’t have the balls, I’ll do it MYSELF,” the woman launched herself at Bella, armed with a stake.

“Nooooooooooooooo,” Edward yelled, reaching out in slow-mo.

‘If I die, could I perhaps be reincarnated as a jellyfish’ Bella thought to herself, accepting her fate.

“You’re so hot, you’re so divine, I’ll suck your cock, please be mine, Bella. BELLA,” cried Edward still in slow-mo, tears blinding his vision. “No, Bella, it can’t end like this. I lost my virginity to you, we can’t let this be the end.”

As the stake rammed through Bella’s heart, the mask slipped off her attacker. She gasped.

“But- you’re- you’re me?”

She was looking into her own eyes, own face, same hair, same pouty lips doing the same sexy lip nibble.

Even Edward stopped his slow-mo reaching. He was shooketh at this plot twist.

“Why would you kill yourself?” he demanded of her.

“Oh, that isn’t me,” said the woman simply, standing up. “Do you not recognise who I am?”

She took off the mask completely and let loose her hair.

“You’re old,” noted Edward, “But younger than me still.”

Suddenly he knew who this was. The dying Bella recognised her too.

“Stephenie Meyer,” they whispered in unison.

“Twas I all along,” said the mighty Stephenie, holding up the stake in victory. “It was all just a self-insert in the end. I could not let Bella have this mans when he is MY mans! Now cum Edward, cum for me,”

“Don't you mean come with you?” squeaked Edward.

“Nope,” Stephenie grabbed the reluctant Edward and hauled him off with her through the trees, his protests and cries fading further and further into the distance.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all, hope you enjoyed this! If you did, don't forget to feed me your comments and kudoses - I hunger for them. They sustain me. Without them, I will starve and DIE :(


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